overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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