brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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