I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
