So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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