if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
