On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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