Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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