So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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