I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
