you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
