are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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