Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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