The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
