I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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