i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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