I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
