When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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