I wish my penis had an off switch
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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