Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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