so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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