the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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