just survived the first fart of the relationship.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We need to feng shui this bitch.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
