On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm like, not good at living.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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