totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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