um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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