If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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