Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
