last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
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i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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