So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
