If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
