she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
