He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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