I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
