She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
