I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
