moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
