Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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