my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
