She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
