I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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