I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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