What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
