i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
