It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
