I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
