Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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