I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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