this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
