is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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