Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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