She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
