i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
This is the high leading the old right now
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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