My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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